Following our purpose leads us to the path that feeds our soul. We all possess unique gifts and we all have the need to express these gifts. To find our calling is to find the path of our hearts, the way of life that makes us feel alive and glad to be here. Over time we may find many different paths, small and large. We find our calling by listening to our inner voice and doing what feels right and true to ourselves.
When I was struggling with my own various issues before recovery, I thought my purpose was to be extremely thin…but not so thin I’d die. Thats what I lived, breathed and strove to be able to do. I may have gone to school, worked, had a family, friends, lovers and all kinda things in my life but nothing was more in the front of my mind like my desire to be ultra-thin.
My eating disorder and body issues were my first attempt of control. Even as a child I could decide to eat or not to eat. I found I could be hungry for days. Being from a family of dieters it didn’t seem to bother anyone.
My natural body type (which was genetically determined from my father’s side of the family) is tall and long- limbed. Small breasts and hips, long, thin legs, arms and body. But I was sure I was deformed. I had a tummy. No matter how thin I got, I had a belly. My best friend said I looked like a snake-who-ate-an-egg.
I was so ashamed of my stomach that my purpose in life was to get rid of it.
That shame and secret horror stayed with me from a young girl to a woman in her thirties. I tried everything. Starvation, extreme exercise, pills, shots, etc. I started smoking to stay thin. I drank to stay thin. I took drugs to stay thin. I was insane to stay thin.
In my 20’s I gave up all the addictions. However the unrelenting desire to have a concave stomach, made my disordered eating worse. I didn’t smoke, drink or take drugs anymore, so I became even more obsessed with food. Those were my yo-yo years. Dieting and binging became my path. Then onto bulimia bouncing back to anorexia and starvation as my purpose. I. Was. Crazy.
And no one knew. I was just another woman trying to be thin, like all the other women in my life. Even though every year I got more and more unhappy and sick, I thought it was just the way it was. But at some point, why I didn’t know at the time, I just couldn’t do it anymore.
Then my purpose was to recover completely. I had to give up the need to be skinny, to be perfect, to have radical acceptance I had a body and it needed to eat and be its “natural” size.
Giving up dieting felt like I was killing myself. Listening to my bodily hunger was incredibly hard. Letting myself eat all kinds of food according to my body, (not my mind, not my critic) was “crazy talk”.
But I did it. Slowly and steadily one day, one meal at a time, I give up over-exercise. I gave up the “low calorie, carbs, sugar, flour and fat” dieting. I stopped falling for the latest craze in semi-starvation.
I let my body be her own self. Still tall with a soft puffy stomach. Who cares? Not me. I love my whole body, wrinkles, cellulite, floppy arms and a jiggly butt.
Do I still have upsetting thoughts about my body? Yes, I do. But I don’t get attached to them, I don’t believe them. I trust if I feed myself as my body wants to eat,I will remain at my natural size. I don’t worry about it.
It took a long time and I had to find my village. And eventually I became a big part of the village. I met my business and book partner, Carol Normandi, and together we founded www.beyond-hunger.org in 1988. We wrote 2 books, “It’s Not About Food”, (Putnam), and “Over It”, (New World Library), and developed our “Body Love Cards”. We did groups, workshops, speaking engagements, radio and TV shows. Carol has her own private practice and opened a treatment center Amerita, www.amerita.com.
I still run the Beyond-Hunger Peer Education Program. And I will probably continue to do so till I die because it’s my path and it’s my purpose. I can’t speak for Carol but I think she feels the same. Apparently the societial pressure which creates trauma, low self esteem, disordered eating and insane dieting is not stopping for us humans.
All this to say, I had many paths to finding my purpose and so do you.
Try the helpful hints below and if feel like you need support, call or email me.
Ask yourself these questions:
- “What higher purpose might I have?”
- “What can I bring into my life that would bring me joy, inspire me, and feed my soul?”
- I will listen to my inner voice and honor whatever thoughts, feelings and ideas come to me.
- Tell yourself “I love you. I’m right here.”
- Take a journey to your soul.
Laurelee Roark is a body image therapist, author and educator. For more information, visit www.laureleeroark.com or www.beyond-hunger.org
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can learn more about various care options here. EDRC provides support groups and maintains a comprehensive directory of specialized treatment providers in the Bay Area. You can also support EDRC’s mission further by making a tax deductible donation.
